A pastor's pensees

One thing I have known about myself… I love control. I deeply value control and autonomy, trusting in my own ability to navigate through life on my own. I am an outstanding fixer! I tend to operate under the belief that I can do a whole lot on my own, even though I know that apart from Him I can do nothing (John 15:5). Of course, what reinforces this natural leaning of my heart are cultural beliefs deposited in my heart (the Asian way does not value dependence) and the ubiquitous message of autonomy in popular media (I can do it… I’m somebody special… I can do anything if I put my mind to it). All of that has fostered a high control, autonomous protective spirit in me.

So what happened was God removed a key supporting “structure” in my life – my job. I have to be honest and admit there have been moments when losing that “structure” in my life has caused brief panic. There’s a sense in which these structures we have in our lives are good. These structures are helpful to provide some stability in life so it doesn’t slip into utter chaos and despair. But these very structures can give the heart a false sense of security and are never meant to offer ultimate security.

Here’s what I learned in practice… God created a sense of holy chaos when this “support” disappeared. I know we like to think of God as a God of order, yet, there are times when He creates a bit of chaos in our lives to keep us honest, to keep us from relying too much on these structures rather than on Him, to direct us away from self-rule back to Him. The “feel” of it in life is something like a chaotic swirl or mess, yet, God doesn’t do this to punish. This chaos is holy because it is separated out for a particular purpose, it’s done in love for a particular end.

Someone thought that it sounded like a game of Jenga. You know, God keeps taking pieces that prop your life up until the whole thing comes crashing down. I don’t think that’s a good image. This chaos is not random but purposeful. Your life is not a game where supporting structures are taken out piece by piece to see where your breaking point is. Actually, it’s God working in a particular gracious way as to create dependence and confidence not independence and fear. Yes, there is pain and confusion involved in the removal of “structures” that once gave security in life. John Calvin, when writing of the tribulations that believers will experience, said that the purpose or end of it is…

To distrust yourself so as to transfer your confidence to God, reclining on Him with such heartfelt confidence as to trust in His aid, and continue invincible to the end, standing by His grace so as to perceive that He is true to His promises, and so assured on the certainty of His promises as to be strong in hope.

People have asked me what are the big “take aways” from this time of transition in my life. While sometimes finding purpose, meaning and reasons in the affairs of life is hard to actually figure out (those times when it’s hard to identify what exactly I’m “supposed” to learn in light of my circumstances because it’s not because of something I did…) let me share a few thoughts about what I have learned (or re-learned) over the next few blog posts as I’ve spent much time pondering during this season of my life.

Identity. I remember learning a prayer of recollection from John Coe. The idea of recollection is not to recall (to bring to memory), but rather to be re-collected. It assumes that the complexity and busyness of modern life leaves us fragmented and compartmentalized in our spiritual life. To re-collect ourselves is to remember and re-place ourselves under the gospel as the good news of Christ offers us the hope of unifying ourselves. I can’t tell you how often I’ve felt out of control with my heart all over the place. The re-collection that comes through the gospel is the offer of finding the coherence to our lives that is so crucial.

In the prayer of recollection, I enter into an honest dialogue with God. My friend, Kyle Strobel, calls this a soliloquy - “a method of prayer whereby you speak to both God and your own soul as you hold [your identity] before Him” This is a way that we preach the gospel to ourselves. In my dialogue with God I re-collect myself  by remembering that because of the gospel I am not first and foremost a pastor, a father, a husband, my parents’ son, and the list goes on. I certainly am those things but they are not my core identity. They do not define me for at the heart of the gospel is a change in my identity. I am valued not for what I do or the roles I play in people’s lives. Rather I am valued by God simply for who I am and it’s the cross of Christ that demonstrates this.

Early on and most every day I would remind myself in a prayer-like soliloquy to God that my value to Him was not because of my job. I could lose it and there could still remain a stability, a grounding in life. This is why we have been so adamant in college/young adult ministry to get at this idea of identity. It’s not telling yourself in a Stuart Smalley kind of way, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” Rather it’s a re-affirmation of entirely good news that the basis of my acceptance and transfer into God’s Kingdom is because He calls me something completely different than what people have called me throughout my life. It’s in this way that one is re-collected… pulled back together into a coherent whole person.

It’s no secret, in a couple of weeks, I am formally transitioning out of my role as young adult pastor. As I said to a friend the other day who is in the same boat as I am, “See you on the other side of employment!” That was meant to be a joke but there really is something about staring into the fog of the future that is, well, unnerving.

The best way I can describe is that it feels an impending cliff. I know that I will “drop off” into something but at this point the uncertainty of “what”, “where” and “when” is hazy at best. Like on a really humid day, the ambiguity of the situation feels like the humidity as it sticks to your skin. It you palpably feel it and theres’ really nothing you can do about it no matter how many showers you take!

I said this to someone yesterday and I hope that it resonates to people as they hear our story. There have been two important ways we have tried to stay grounded during this time of uncertainty. In fact, life has a certain ambiguity that comes with it – no one controls their life in such a way that they completely  avoid potholes or major swerves along the path. The twists and turns of life, the ambiguity of how we are getting to the final destination, the telos of life is often unpredictable and sometimes painful. Yet through it all, two “thoughts” have brought us great comfort and courage.

Here’s the first thought: God’s sovereignty. While that doesn’t discount the choices we make, I can certainly vouch for the fact that deeply knowing God is “In this” has been reassuring. I’m grateful for being reminded over and over in the past that through it all God remains in control, He is not surprised by the turn of events, and He is redemptively working toward a great end. Nothing clears up shaky theology like hard times where one has to literally place their weight on God to lead, guide, and provide. He is “In it” with us and He is “over all”.

The second thought is this: I am not a pastor. That might shock you but what I mean by that is at the core of my being, I am not a pastor. There are crazymaking patterns of drawing too tight a connection between who I am and what I do. Think of what might happen if my identity was solely in what I did and then I lost my job. I am first and foremost loved and cared for by a all-benevolent God who has not only forgiven me but has welcomed me into His family by showering me with all the blessings of the gospel! He sees me and treats me like He treats His Son. My identity is not in what I do or what titles I have but how deeply the Father cares for me.

I have had moments of internal panic. The ride has not been smooth. We sometimes have asked, “God, what’s on the other side of employment?” “God, what are you doing?” “God, can you clear things up a bit?” In the end, there is ambiguity in all of life. But the clarity comes when He is the answer. Psalm 73:28 reads, “But as for me, the nearness of God is mu good.” I can think of a lot of things in my life that I think are good for me, but it’s His nearness in my life that is my ultimate good.

I have been re-reading James Davison Hunter’s book, To Change the World the last few days. It was a great read the first time through and his thoughts on culture, politics, power and the Christian faith are tremendously insightful whether you agree with them or not. All this to say that while certainly live in a pluralistic, post-Christian culture there’s no sense in which, as much as we pine for the “good old days” (whatever that was), that we can go back and recover a culture that is completely Judeo-Christian in its outlook and practice. Certainly, Hunter agrees that while there are strong religious remnants in our country that are hard to completely shake, his big question is how can Christianity remain a vibrant redemptive force in the flourishing of our society as we move forward.

That brings me to Tom Krattenmaker. I actually was introduced to Tom through his insightful USA Today column in the sports section! What amazed me initially was Tom wrote on the subject of religion and professional sports for a nationally syndicated newspaper. So I’ve had this appreciation for Tom’s thoughts which led to me to email Tom four years ago regarding our church’s emphasis on redemptive work in the community, the nation and around the world. In fact, I emailed him an article that was written up in the Orange County newspaper about our group’s trip to Israel to minister to both Jews and Palestinian children at a camp outside of Tel Aviv designed to foster reconciliation. The children learned how easy it is to “demonize” the other side without getting to know them. Tom’s response was “What you and your students are doing is fantastic!”

Now here’s the twist. It would have been easy to simply put Tom in the mental box of “Oh, he’s a Christian writing for USA Today”. Actually Tom thinks of himself as one in the progressive or secularist camp. Yet, he writes honestly (and mostly favorably) about evangelical Christians in the field of sports and in general culture. I find his demeanor not only professional, but warm, and certainly honest. Here is an article that he recently wrote for the Huffington Post that highlights a soon to be released book about his recent interactions with a conservative Christian organization.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-krattenmaker/a-progressives-confessional-journey-to-focus-on-the-family_b_3160454.html

In my years of ministry, I’ve met my share of those who don’t share my Christian faith and yet they are completely open to conversation without rhetoric or polemics. Those conversations were represent something  important if we are to move forward into the future. If I were to add to anything that Hunter wrote in his book about moving forward it would be this: we should not just applaud people like Tom Krattenmaker, we should sit down with them over a cup of coffee or a beer (you can tell that I’m not a Baptist), get to know them, hear their thoughts and converse with them. We might find that in the end, we agree to disagree. But conversing in a charitable way is a way to move forward. I’ve never met Tom face to face but I sure enjoy him and encourage all of you to read his book when it’s released!

This is an earlier post from Tim Challies about how easy it is to take sound bytes we read or hear and turn it into something much bigger or something it’s not. Challies warns us that the inherent danger in a world of social media is skimming and misrepresenting people’s position. Challies suggests that inaccurate summaries are a disregard of the ninth commandment .  His article was titled, “Howard Schultz, Tim Keller, and Commandment #9…

http://www.challies.com/christian-living/howard-schultz-tim-keller-and-commandment-9

A recent study from TNS Global, a global marketing research company, along with Ebates, just completed a study that focused on shopping habits and how people use shopping as a way to feel better about oneself and about life. The conclusion? There is no small amount of people that use shopping therapeutically, as a way to improve their mood. Have a bad day at work? Shop. Get into an argument with your girlfriend/boyfriend? Shop. Feeling down about life or get some bad news about something? Shop. Need to stuff negative emotions? Shop.

In the study a whopping 64% of women admitted that they use shopping as a way to reduce stress; to feel better about themselves or life, and elevate mood (shopping is fun). What’s surprising is that 39% of men admitted the same thing! In other words, roughly 4 out of 10 guys admitted in the interview that they go out to spend money as a way to feel better! What caught  my attention is that generally women use retail to function as sort of this Cartesian mantra… “I shop, therefore I am.” However, with men it’s different. The study shows that men don’t use retail, they choose food as a way to elevate mood! In their case, “I eat, therefore I am”  is literally true when you think about how many overweight men there are…

It reminded me of James KA Smith’s book Desiring the Kingdom. Smith’s thesis is that while we can teach Christian “worldview” to people, the underlying narratives of culture are far too pervasive and strong for any cognitive belief to overturn them. In other words, you can learn propositions about God, about life, and self and yet those often seem powerless against the deep “pull” of messages that you receive from the culture. There is something about habits of culture that inform us who we are, what’s really important in life, and what the actual good life is. In particular, Smith points out that retail shopping has its own “worship liturgy” as there are automatic habits of the heart that seek to answer these questions. That’s why it’s so powerful… people have spent their whole life “training” themselves to respond by using shopping or food not only to dull pain but to elevate mood.

A friend once said that there is an infinite hole in your heart that can only be filled by an infinite person. That explained to me why trying to fill it with anything that is less than eternal is doomed to fail. It might fill up the emptiness and give my life temporal “meaning”. But that can’t be sustained. That is why it is the natural tendency of the heart to use things and people to fill us by sucking the life and love out of them and then discard them for something else. Only an eternal perfect person can fill an eternal void…

When I was a kid I used to think that Japanese New Year (January 1st) was the best day ever. Why? It’s because all we did was go from house to house eating food and watching football games. Ok, maybe Christmas was a very close second because it promoted coveting….

My favorite holiday of the year now? It would have to be Easter hands down. Here are my reasons.

1. No commercialism

As opposed to other holidays, there really isn’t a sense that you have to buy much to make Easter better. Yes, there are eggs and chocolate bunnies but that in comparison to Christmas feels minor. Think about it…  how many retail stores are there that have door busters for Easter morning?

2. No sleazy or downright scary costumes

Halloween drives me nuts! It’s become the biggest retail day of the year and for what? People spending incredible amounts of money to dress in ways that are completely inappropriate. Don’t misunderstand me… I love the little kids who dress like Buzz Lightyear and Cinderella but for most people it’s become an excuse to dress like you’re going to a frat party and act like an idiot… when you’re fifty.

3. Easter eggs

Totally fun to dye and then throw at friends. I remember when I was a kid at church. We were on the balcony looking down into the outdoor courtyard of the church. When people came out of the worship service, from the balcony we launched easter eggs at people like grenades and then took off running. You know to this day, I haven’t told my parents that I did that…

4. Easter steak

Never mind the ham! We don’t have turkey for Thanksgiving so why have ham for Easter? It’s about the steak, baby…

5. The Easter bonnets

I love seeing the little girls wearing the Easter bonnet! I’m thinking about making my son wear one this year…

6. No presents

We give a few Easter gifts to each other but nothing outrageous like at Christmas. Plus, no one really gives crappy gifts like socks or underwear . It’s all cool stuff like chocolate!

7. Peeps

Seriously, who came up with this? And how cool of a name is it? Peeps. Marshmallow, corn syrup (sugar), carnuba wax (that’s what you use to wax your car) and food coloring! These are delightfully gross!! I actually can’t even eat these things but what other holiday serves up such a confectionary delight?

8. The Cross and Resurrection

This is what Easter is all about! It is the remembrance of Christ’s work in space and time. This is why the gospel is not advice about how to live but rather about what’s been done already. We are gospel people because Christ work on Calvary meant it was no longer about our work. And that is good news! Blessings to you all this Easter!

It’s been awhile since I posted my thoughts. To be honest, I think I needed a month or so to stabilize, kind of get my heart right knowing that the next few months will “a ride”. I’m not sure how much of this journey I’ll share on a blogsite but I’d be more than happy to describe what it’s like in person.

That said, I have to be honest that in my stubborn past, I refused to read John Calvin for a number of reasons. First, some (ok, a lot) of the Reformed-type people I know came across as boorish. it seemed like we could never have a conversation about life without somehow getting back to theology proper, particularly the issue of predestination. And it seemed like even as a young believer I was an object being smashed with a hammer into a pigeonholed pentagon… And second, I thought Calvin himself was wound a little too tight. Without even considering his historical context, while I was thankful for the Reformation, I refused to read Calvin because it was too cold and precise theologically. I remember a post of Tim Keller’s where he described many people’s reaction toward Calvin as someone with a “dismal reputation as a pinched, narrow-minded, cold and cerebral dogmatician.” Uh… yea… that’s pretty close…

A few months ago, I started a project by reading Calvin in a different way. For sure, I had to wade through some of the topics that I initially had avoided Calvin over. Most every morning I have read Calvin’s Institutes devotionally. That is, rather than reading him critically (that’s in the good sense of the word), I’ve read him with an open heart. In the beginning Calvin begins by positing two forms of knowledge – knowledge of God and knowledge of self. Knowing God and knowing self are both important, and are not separate but interlinked. But which comes first? Of course, he holds to knowledge of God. But putting that aside, what if I read Calvin with an open heart to see myself in light of knowing God more?

So when I came to some of his famous chapters on election and predestination (which are way less than I originally had assumed), here’s what it did in my heart. Apart from any logical or biblical argument that Calvin puts forth, what my heart sensed was deep gratitude that in some way salvation was wrapped up in His initiation in my life. I don’t know how much my agency played a part but my heart was settled in the fact that somehow, in God’s wisdom, His lovingkindess was made known in my life through Christ. For the time, it was ok to “sit in it” and not try to figure it out.

All that to say, in honesty, I’ve been surprised how devotional his writings are and how wrong I was!

The New York Times had an interesting article today called, The End of Courtship. In it, the author Alex Williams clearly lays out a growing trend among young adults to forego traditional ways of courtship, including dating, for quicker forms of bonding. This has been called “hooking up”. This growing social trend is a rejection of how men and women have approached bonding prior to marriage, namely  courtship and dating. One woman describes “hooking up” as somewhere between a date and a high five where couples pair off to “hang out”. What seems to be included is a spontaneous sexual encounter free of commitment although this doesn’t necessarily have to be the case.

The typical response is we need to move back to more traditional forms of courtship! In fact, some Christian circles have even eschewed dating for more of an older courtship model (remember, I Kissed Dating Goodbye?). There certainly are some good things that dating and courtship bring but in a mobile society such as ours how beneficial would it be to create a Christian culture where we throw back to an old school form? As some have gently pointed out, it’s not that either courtship and dating don’t have shortcomings associated with them. Further, as Tim Keller says in The Meaning of Marriage, “Why (stop with) courtship? Why not go all the way back to completely arranged marriages?”

Two quick thoughts. Part of the problem with a hookup culture is that it tends to either bond people too quickly, often with sex as the end goal, or it perpetuates laziness in just “hanging out.” Truthfully, I like hanging out with people but there is something about demonstrating intention as men and women form relationships. It doesn’t serve a greater good to force a relationship too fast nor to slow it down to a snail’s crawl. In our age of instant gratification, it seems to be helpful to have ways of gauging a person’s character prior to expressing intent. While it slows the process down from going too fast, it certainly keeps it from just “hanging out” with  no intention in mind. One of the markers then of healthy attraction should include ways to decipher a person’s character.

Second, it would be good to take into account value that older forms of courtship and dating provided: family, church, and community. While I’m not advocating going all the way back to earlier forms there were “guard rails” that were erected in the form of institutions and groups that seemed to help raise cautionary flags and provide avenues to get to know people apart from artificially  moving it ahead too quickly. In a very mobile society, at least one of the functions of community is to help provide these railings.

Most young adults see the community as the place to meet people. It’s a way of trading the nightclub scene and bars for a safer environment. This is what I think Lauren Winner is partly getting at when she speaks of the value of “acquaintanceship”.  I totally understand that. But another purpose of the community is to provide guard rails for people to keep them from trying to figure this out on their own. In some ways, the community functions as a surrogate family to help shepherd people in a way where the group members learn together and rely on each other for insight that might overcome our own personal blindspots or uncontrolled desires. This is to help people not just meet people in a group and then take off. The group actually models and shepherds people in a way where relationships grow naturally.