How to Disagree With Others

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does-disagreement-prove-there-are-no-moral-truths“I fell in love with Jesus and his church because of the way Christians could stand, weep, walk, and be gracious with me.” 1

We have all noticed how in the the past few years, the tone of conversation has changed. On social media, it’s as if people now sense the permission to state and post anything that describes how they feel. Frankly, the past few months I’ve taken a break from blogging because I wanted to scrutinize my own motives for writing but also because I’ve been shocked and disappointed with the level of discourse.

Miroslav Volf does an excellent job in his book, Exclusion and Embrace, summarizing the various ways we exclude others, some overt and some more subtle. In short, the ways we exclude others through social media posts that are less than charitable, verbal rants that denounce others declaring that our side is right, are actually power plays (you gotta love how Nietzsche is still relevant today). Power is used to demonize a certain group of people who “don’t get it” and prop up one’s sense of self-esteem. This is actually a heart issue that is rooted in either pride or fear with very little to do with truth.

How we disagree with others as followers of Christ is critical. It not only is the way forward, preserving unity but it also demonstrates to those watching us that we can actually listen and dialogue in a peaceable way. As a pastor, rather than use the Bible to undergird individual points let me simply offer the command found in Romans 12:18 – “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (notice it’s toward everyone and not just your own tribe). Just consider for a moment those disciples living under Roman rule and you’ll begin to see how counterintuitive this seems. Let me offer a few thoughts as I have struggled through this at times as someone who feels this need to be right:

Listen. Rather than entering into a conversation that seems like a ping pong game – back and forth from point to counterpoint – intentionally be quick to listen to someone else and not speak. You might not understand or agree what they believe and the deep feelings they have, but try. Elisabeth Elliot once said, “Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth closed.”2 That’s good advice when people are full of fear or even anger. Listening to others and their objections provides this window that can lead to understanding. I don’t know what it’s like to experience fear that some Muslims are feeling now but I want to listen.

Look for points of agreement. Nothing says that you are being heard more than having someone affirm, “Oh, I get it.” The key is this… just because we agree with certain parts doesn’t mean we agree with the whole! A simple example is the Apostle Paul at Mars Hill where he affirmed that his audience was very religious. This is true when studying philosophy, ethics, theology, and the list goes on. We look for ways to establish relational bridges. Then at points where we disagree we have some relational capital built up.

Don’t use bad arguments. I’ve heard Tim Keller say that if we are going to bring up counter-arguments that we understand the opposing position maybe even better than the people holding them. This will keep us away from bad arguments (ad hominem, straw man, name calling, red herring, etc) and help us get to the root issue. For instance, when I have a discussion with those who disagree with me about cohabitation, I want them to get to the core issues of why couples slide into it rather than telling them, “You know the Bible says…”

Don’t use loaded words that label people. This is for another blog post but let me give you a “for instance”. Honestly, I think the word racism is overused to the point where it shuts down the conversation. To call someone a racist not only deviates from the clear meaning it used to have but it often has the opposite effect of closing people off.3 People might have deeply held prejudicial beliefs or even unknown prejudicial beliefs but to label someone as a racist in most instances is not helpful to discussion. As my friend Josh Reasoner said recently, “let’s not push away from the table” by categorizing people in ways that condemn them as the “other”.

Treat people with charity. This is charity or love as commitment to friendship with another with their best interest in mind. When we disagree we want to think about how we can keep the conversation going and not just shut it down trying to be right. We want to be patient with people, treating them as we would want to be treated, even if it feels like you are on different pages. Insecure people have a hard time loving people because they need to be right to bolster their sense of self. When we treat people with charity we actually are willing to admit that we don’t have to “win” to preserve future friendship and dialogue.

Contrary to what others say, it is the gospel that gives us the power to embrace Truth in humility. If God initiated with you through Christ in the state that you were in, then there is no sense in which you are afforded the opportunity to look down on someone else. We not only have a confidence that comes through our unwavering acceptance through Christ as He is the Way, Truth and the Life. But we also have a humility to embrace others since the gospel reminds that we were once poor but have become spiritually rich in Him.

 

1 Rosaria Butterfield, former tenured professor of English at Syracuse University, author of Openness Unhindered: Further Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert on Sexual Identity and Union with Christ, on what surprised her the most about Christians when she actually became one.

2 Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity, p.63

3 See the Vox article by German Lopez, “Research Says There Are Ways to Reduce Racial Bias. Calling People Racist Isn’t One of Them.”. http://www.vox.com/identities/2016/11/15/13595508/racism-trump-research-study

Questioning Discipleship

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question-mark-1236555There is absolutely nothing in what Jesus Himself or His early followers taught that suggests you can decide just to enjoy forgiveness at Jesus’ expense and have nothing more to do with Him.” 1

Over the years I’ve read quite a bit of literature on making disciples. Coming from a parachurch background, we were intent on making disciples even if our approach needed to be broadened a bit. I remember sitting in the living room of Walt Henrichsen, a former Navigator staff member who wrote the classic Disciples Are Made Not Born, discussing theology and how it played out in making disciples as well as personally growing in my own commitment to follow Christ. Along with Leroy Eims’ The Lost Art of Making Disciples and Robert Coleman’s The Master Plan of Evangelism, I was convinced early on of the necessity to make Christ-followers and not just converts.

Taking a cue from Randy Newman’s wonderful book on evangelism, Questioning Evangelism, where he explores the rabbinic method of asking questions in evangelism let me make a similar application to discipleship. Jesus asked people tons of questions, about one hundred in all. Here are some examples as I’ve paraphrased some of them:

  • Can you worry and add anything to your life? If you’re so concerned about things out of your control, why are so anxious?  (Matt. 6:27, Luke 12:26)
  • Why are so afraid? (Matt 8:26)
  • Do you really believe that I can do this? (Matt. 9:28)
  • Why are you filled with doubt? (Matt. 14:31)
  • What is it that you don’t understand? (Matt. 16:8, Mark 17:17-18, John 8:43)
  • Who do really think I am? (Matt. 16:13)
  • Why are you asking me what’s truly good? (Matt.19:16)
  • What is it that you want me to do for you? (Matt:20:32, John 1:38)
  • Why are you so stuck on the things in your heart? (Mark 2:8)
  • Why are people so concerned with the big and flashy? (Mark 8:12)
  • What are you bickering about? (Mark 9:33)
  • Where is your trusting belief? (Luke  8:25)
  • What is in my Word? What does it say and how do you read it? (Luke 10:26)
  • If you’re so caught up in worldly wealth, how can you be trusted with something much greater? (Luke 16:11)
  • Why are you asleep? (Luke 22:46)
  • Do you want to be well? (John 5:6)
  • Does my teaching on the picture of the Eucharist as union with me this shock you? (John 6:61)
  • Do you want to leave me? Where would you go? (John 6:67)
  • Who condemns you? (John 8:10)
  • Do you realize what I have done for you? (John 13:12)
  • Do you love me? (John 21:16)

Why did Jesus use questions? The use of a well-placed question helps to clarify the heart and mind. In other words, questions get after our cloudy hearts and muddled thinking. What I’m suggesting is making disciples (and being a disciple) is not less than imparting skills or practices but it’s more. It’s actually pointing to Christ in the context of community, listening to Him, allowing Him to “cross” our wills and clarify our hearts and thought process. For instance, some are sleepwalking through the Christian life and should have to deal with some questions like, “Why are you asleep?” or “Who do you really think I am?” Some are so bent on following the rules that questions like “Do you love me?” or “Do you realize what I’ve done for you?” are appropriate. Some with real needs need to hear questions like, “Where is your trusting belief in me?” or “What is it that you really want?”

Making disciples can certainly include programs or classes. However, it seems to me that one of the most effective ways to being a follower (and making followers) of Christ is to let these questions sink into our soul allowing the Holy Spirit’s “counseling” work to settle in (John 14:26). Most people are followers of something or someone – they are disciples even if they are disciples of a late-modern narrative. As Christians we are declaring that we are followers of the Messiah even if it seems countercultural. We let the living Word confront or deconstruct us as we read the Word regularly. In this way we allow the gracious words of Christ to cut against our predisposition to self-sufficiency and comfort in order to follow after Him.

1 Dallas Willard, The Great Omission, p.13

Reviewing The Faith of Christopher Hitchens by Larry Taunton

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51rELKRwN+L._AC_US160_I normally post my thoughts on books on Goodreads or Amazon but never directly as a blog. Let me strongly encourage you to read Larry Taunton’s new book on his friendship with Christopher Hitchens. Currently, when so many people are simply angry at “the other side”, placing them in isolated containers where you don’t have to relate to them, this is a splendid book on building bridges of friendship while holding to core beliefs. One need not mess with good and precise theological thinking and convictions in order to relate to others whose beliefs (and lives) are diametrically the opposite.
 
I remember being present at a debate at Biola between Hitchens and William Lane Craig – CH as one of the proclaimed Four Horsemen of a new breed of atheism. I’ve read his books often finding it easy to disagree with them at a distance. What the book exposes is the human side of Hitchens, the part of him that was not open to public view and discourse. As I began to read I found the hardness in my heart melt as I began to understand the complexity of Hitchens as a real person. Any desire in my heart to categorize him and demonize him as someone who was an enemy of Christianity was swept away.
 
The book doesn’t end on a fairy tale note (much like Darwin’s supposed death bed conversion). There was no clear conversion experience as Hitchens died of esophageal cancer a few years ago. Yet, Taunton provides a window into Hitchens soul where those questions must have been ruminating and the cost of conversion churned as the surety of his death approached. The book not only points out the immense difficulty of dealing with death if God is simply taken out of the equation (as Oscar Wilde pointed out that a map of the world without Utopia is not worth glancing at) but equally the importance of simple friendship across lines that normally divide us. 
Non-fiction books that not only read well but move the heart toward deeper understanding are far and few between. The book was hard to put down and I finished it in a few days. I’m sure that your experience will be very similar!

Give Until it Hurts?

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imageA few weeks ago I had a wonderful and stimulating conversation with a co-worker about giving and generosity. For the sake of the discussion he asked, if generosity is a biblical command (1 Timothy 6:8), how much is enough? How much is required to be generous? I suppose that’s what many people are looking for – something to help give clarity to generosity.

The phrase “give until it hurts” was originally spoken by Mother Teresa but instead of speaking about money, she was speaking about giving love to another. Without trying to explain what she meant, the phrase was then used to motivate people to give financially. The exact meaning seemed to be, “Don’t give at a comfortable level but give at a level that is uncomfortable or hurts”.

I understand radically sacrificial giving but I think using this cliche to guide giving is misplaced. In our desire to people give clarity to people’s giving, and for them to give freely, it mostly has the effect of motivating people in the wrong way. Rather than thinking of generosity in terms of it “hurting”, generosity should actually make us more joyful.

Take for example, people you know who are very generous people. While you might not know how much they give, you are aware that they give freely out of the excess of their resources – time, finances, and neighborly help and hospitality. Ask them if their giving feels like it hurts and you will be greeted with a puzzled look. “What are you talking about? Giving until it hurts? Giving is a joyful experience for us!” You don’t see these people wincing when it comes to letting resources flow from their hands to others. Instead, they will rarely see it as sacrifice but rather as a great settled, deep happiness.

In some ways when it comes to generosity we are pretty torn – on one hand we want clarity. We want someone to tell us what percentage or how much. Living under a system like the Israelites did seems to be so clear and cliches seem to provide some level of clarity! On the other hand, we don’t want anyone telling us how much because that sounds like legalism. Either way, we lose out on the great joy that could be presently ours by seeing the tenacious grip on our lives loosened as the gospel takes root in our hearts.

The Work of Generosity

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young-plant-growing-brown-soil-shovel-green-bokeh-background-53259242How does generosity work? All the virtues do a great gospel-centered work in us and through us to conform us to the image of Christ (Rom. 8:29). Generosity does its great work by creating space in our hearts for others and giving to them without the need for them to reciprocate. This work helps us to become more like Christ in our character while also causing us to flourish or live the abundant life Jesus said He came to bring.

Generosity also works in another way. In a negative sense, it works to shine a light on our own hearts exposing those places that are strongly attached to our own resources. For instance, when we reflect on what it means to be generous we have to reconcile why we can be generous with money but at the same time incredibly stingy with our time. Or how about our generosity with helping a neighbor while choosing not to forgive a friend? If generosity is a heart condition that includes all of our resources as gifts from God, then certainly we don’t get to pick and choose which ones we find easier to give away. Why is it that some resources have such a strong attachment to our hearts?

This strong attachment of the heart, the Bible calls this idolatry. Timothy Keller defines an idol in Counterfeit Gods, as

“…anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give… An idol is whatever you look at and say, in your heart of hearts, “’f I have that, then I’ll feel my life has meaning, then I‘ll know I have value, then I’ll feel significant and secure.'”

In the end, the thing or resource you have a tight grip on, and to lose that would devastate or even inconvenience you, is what you worship in reality. Our hearts clutch and hang on because to lose “that” means losing control or a part of me.  In an age of plenty, getting generosity deeper into our hearts does a remarkable job of revealing to us how much our stinginess is connected to our fear of losing and protecting ourselves. Again, as pointed out in my last writing, when the work of generosity is viewed in a positive sense, the generosity of Christ’s life and His body and blood getting deeper into the heart leads to a more generous life getting out of you.

One of the more important signs that the Spirit is at work in you is when you realize that this can’t be done in isolation. When we live life with other people and let them speak into our lives we will soon begin to discover what our heart doesn’t want to let go of. The duplicity of the heart is frightening as we can justify hoarding resources easily. Having others in our lives keep us honest and more free from slipping into rationalizing away our stinginess. When we get to do this together in our neighborhoods and our city, followers of Christ will be known as a truly generous people.

Becoming a Generous Person

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TheGrinchIn a wonderfully surprising story, Allison Fallon used to think she was a generous person…That was until she met her husband. Described by others an incredibly generous person, Darrell, shared one day with his new wife what made his generosity take root. “If you want to become better at giving, you need to become better at receiving, too!’.1

Think about it…like many, here was a person who actually thought she was a fairly generous person but in reality her inability to receive from others stunted her capacity to be generous. As you reflect on this for a bit I think it will make sense. Remember from my last blog that generosity actually includes much more than simply giving money. In one’s abundance of resources – possessions, emotional support, and expertise or time to help someone, the capacity to welcome others and include them in, even the capacity to forgive – generosity is being “open-handed” knowing that God has given a super-abundance to us. Generosity then is a heart condition, or maybe more accurately capacity or space in the heart for others and God.

What will mere giving and not being able to receive do to a person’s heart? You might think of other difficulties but it seems to me that practiced enough it would leave a person isolated from real relationships with a sense of pride and importance that would lead only to a mechanical kind of giving, if any. In addition, I wonder how much joy would there be in giving but never really knowing what it’s like to be a recipient. It seems, in a paradoxical way, that when one receives from others it heightens their ability to joyfully and generously give.

The gospel as good news from God is summarized very simply in John 3:16. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son.” In other words, the gospel at its core is the self-giving of the Father by giving His Son and the self-giving of the Son on the cross then giving His Spirit. How do you become a generous person? When you understand the generosity of God in self-giving.

The Apostle Paul applies this to giving financially in 1 Corinthians 8 (but you can apply it to any resource above). Rather than command believers in the church to give he writes,

I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it with the earnestness of others. For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich. (1 Corinthians 8:8,9, NIV)

What a beautiful way to motivate people to be generous! The generosity of God (the space
He has in heart for you as He gives freely out of the super-abundance of His resources), is this: Jesus who was rich beyond all measure became poor for you so that you in the poverty of your sin might become rich in Him. Now, be generous as you have been generously treated because of the gospel!

Your ability to receive the gift of salvation and ongoing grace from God is the seed to becoming a generous person. When that gospel seed gets into and works in your heart, it’s going sprout in greater generosity!

1Allison Fallon, A Surprising Way to Become More Generous, http://storylineblog.com/2015/10/16/a-surprising-way-to-become-more-generous/

Generosity is a Heart Condition

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everyone-a-generous-lifeAs I mentioned previously, a study out of Notre Dame University by Smith and Davidson made a clear connection between generosity to both personal health and happiness. While the authors are clear that there could be a number of factors in play, in general, people who are generous tend to be both healthier and happier. My sense is this: when people understand that there’s much more to life than walling themselves off from others, they experience in big and small ways God’s intended purpose for life.

What is a generous person then? Smith and Davison use this definition:

“The virtue (the character trait formed in you) of giving good things to others freely and abundantly… It is a disposition to give liberally and an actual practice of giving liberally.”1

While people might associate generosity with money, it encompasses much more than one’s financial resources. In one’s abundance of resources – possessions, emotional support, and expertise or time to help someone, the capacity to welcome others and include them in, even the capacity to forgive – generosity is being “open-handed” knowing that if God has given to us a super-abundance, it is not meant to be hoarded. Resources come to us and, at least some, are meant to go through us to bless others for their good. Gregory Spencer in Awakening the Quieter Virtues, writes,

“Generosity is the predisposition to love openhandedly”2

In short, generosity as a person’s character is certainly an action, but it’s more like a heart-condition. Literally, it could be thought of as the “space” in a person’s heart for another. Like Spencer’s quote, the virtue of generosity was so closely linked with love that generous expressions were really a reflection of how much room a person had in their heart to bless or include another. For example, hospitality is not just limited to opening up your home and entertaining. Hospitality is a picture of how much capacity you have in your heart to welcome in another person. When a person’s heart is small and cluttered, how easy it is to quickly conclude that one “can’t” and default to protection mode.

If generosity is heart condition, let me share two thoughts of application. First, a person can give but not be generous. Take for instances, finances. A person can give money but if generosity is a heart-condition, one can give without being generous. We’ve all heard, “You need to give until it hurts.” That’s simply not motivating. Generous giving is really a picture of one’s heart and the “space” that one has for someone else, a big Kingdom of God kind of thing, etc. This is why generosity can’t strictly be measured by amount. The widow who gives a mite can actually have more space in her heart for others and God than the person who gives a lot of money.

Second, it seems to me that one reason why people are not generous might be because they are deeply insecure and need to possess in order to try and keep their heart full. Their resources – time, expertise or knowledge, their ability to welcome in others, their finances – are to be protected because if they were gone there would be little left to actually fill their heart. In other words our lack of generosity is a picture of how empty we truly are. Or maybe people are not generous because they aren’t happy enough. They don’t have enough deep joy that they need to protect their life.

One can become a “miser” by keeping their heart protected. However in the process, they will habit-form character traits that are the opposite of generosity – stinginess, coveting, greed, and hoarding. It’s no coincidence that the word “miser” is related to the word “miserable.” We want then to become generous people because while it has personal, tangible benefits (healthy, happy), it’s wise to become generous because it will enlarge our hearts. As Cole Carnesecca wrote,

“[Dr. Suess’] Grinch always had the capacity to be generous and happy, but his lack of generosity resulted in his heart being, ‘two sizes too small.'”3

 

1 Christian Smith and Davidson, The Paradox of Generosity

2 Gregory Spencer, Awakening the Quieter Virtues

3 Cole Carnesecca, The Paradox of Generosityhttp://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/paradox-of-generosity

The Paradox of Generosity

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51vEbhBQ-yL._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_One of the least talked about virtues these days seems to be generosity. Maybe people are a bit reluctant to talk about it because the fear is the conversation will drift towards money. It starts off well and good but we all know that talk of generosity is intended to lead to how much you are going to give. How should we view the virtue of generosity? Is generosity something meant for only a few people to practice? Is it simply for those who have the “gift”?

A 2014 book by Christian Smith and Hilary Davidson offers an undated, straightforward picture why generosity is a key character trait for you to continually practice. First, a couple of definitions. The authors define generosity as:

“The virtue (the character trait formed in you) of giving good things to others freely and abundantly… It is a disposition to give liberally and an actual practice of giving liberally.”

Generous acts are not just giving something away but giving away an abundance of a resource (money, time, attention, help, hospitality) that is for the well-being of another. So you can see that generosity is closely connected to love.

Second, it’s good to understand what a “paradox” is. A paradox is by definition, something that appears to be contradictory but upon closer examination it proves to be more true than you initially thought. What then is the paradox of generosity?

“In letting go of some of what we own, we better secure our lives. By giving ourselves away, we ourselves move toward flourishing…Or stated in the negative, by grasping onto what we currently have, we lose out on better goods that we might have gained. In always protecting ourselves against future uncertainties and misfortunes, we are affected in ways that make us more anxious about uncertainties and vulnerable to future misfortunes. In short, by failing to take care of others, we do not properly take care of ourselves.” 

The study done by the authors shows that the adage in giving you receive. But it’s more than that! In giving away we receive something of incredible importance – we flourish (or do well) in life!

What’s helpful about the book is the authors don’t center the discussion of generosity solely on the issue of giving money. They also include generosity as demonstrated by volunteering (serving the community), relational generosity (being generous with one’s attention and emotions in relationships with other people), neighborly generosity (hospitality and neighborly expressions of care). Their findings? While many Americans are very generous, many think themselves to be more generous than they really are with a large amount of Americans being ungenerous not just in financial giving but in every other area measured as well. It turns out that habit forming the character trait of being ungenerous (Stingy? Selfishly hoarding? Greedy?) actually ends up harming the person. Based on Smith’s and Davidson’s exhaustive study, in what ways then does generosity enhance people’s lives?

  1. Generosity often fosters and reinforces positive emotions and reduces negative emotions in givers, which tends to lead to greater happiness.
  2. Generosity often triggers chemical systems in the brain and body that increase pleasure and experiences of reward, reduce stress, and suppress pain, which lead to greater happiness and health
  3. Generosity increases a person’s ability to choose rightly and confidence to act, which tends to enhance happiness and health.
  4. Generosity often creates ways to tell us who we are – where we came from, what we are supposed to do in life, and what life is all about –  which tend to lead to greater happiness and health
  5. Generosity tends to reduce self-absorption, which tends to produce greater happiness and health
  6. Practicing generosity requires and reinforces a person’s understanding that they live in a world of abundance and blessing, which itself also increases happiness and health
  7. Generosity tends to build relationships with others, which tends strongly to lead to greater happiness and health (a side truth here is that generosity actually enhances families and marriages)
  8. Generosity tends to promote increased learning about the world which leads to greater happiness and health
  9. Generosity tends to increase the giver’s physical activity, which usually leads to greater happiness and health (here the authors use the example of working with others to build a Habitat home)

As you can see, the list of benefits is long with the conclusion that generous people have access to greater happiness (the biblical language is “how blessed”) and health! Or stated in a negative way, for a person to act repeatedly in an ungenerous way, it’s to their detriment. The paradox works not only in the positive way for the giver but also in the negative way: For a person to hang on to what they have, they end up shortchanging themselves. But are we to be generous people only because we profit from it? What we will find is there’s more to generosity that’s going on at the level of the heart! Stay tuned for the second part!

Sex and Looking Utterly Strange

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CY5MIsZUEAADAxaEarlier this month Colton Dixon, who gained fame on American Idol, recently married to his sweetheart, Annie Coggeshall, in Nashville. On the show, Dixon, a Christian, placed seventh but what really got people talking was his interview with People Magazine where he explained that both He and Annie had waited to have sex until after they were married.

In the interview Dixon said, “Anywhere we’ve traveled before we’ve always gotten two hotel rooms. We wanted to remain pure in that area… I believe sex was designed for marriage and knew it would be more meaningful to wait.” Wait. Huh? In fact, many of the comments were either people making fun of them or trying to figure out who does this!

I do quite a bit of pre-marital counseling with young couples and inevitably the conversation goes to sex. It’s actually quite interesting to see their reaction when I tell them some of the recent studies being done are pointing to an increased divorce rate with sex before marriage and co-habitating. Rather than pulling out the Bible, I simply ask, “Why do you think that’s the case?” It doesn’t take much for the both of them in a moment of reasoned thinking to see that the current accepted practice of anything goes doesn’t help commitment in marriage. It actually undercuts commitment.

When we talk about marriage in ways that’s different than seeing it merely as a piece of paper, it starts to sink in that there is something sacred about both marriage and sex. Far from being prude or naive, maybe Christians have a higher view of sex than do others. Maybe it looks like we’re from another planet but actually it’s living in reality. Maybe there’s something about covenant that goes way beyond a piece of paper that socially validates a relationship. In God’s mind, sex is a wonderful gift, full of pleasure and excitement. Yet, it’s so “wild” and powerful that it can only flourish in the right place, at the right time, and with the right person and all of this constrained by covenant.

I always ask couples, “When someone says they are going to wait until marriage to have sex sex, what’s their friends’ response?” Usually, I hear something like, “Good for you!” Yet, what do many of these same people say or think in private? “Bizarre! That’s so strange! Who does that today? What a sexually repressed religious nut!” But then I ask them, “If they were really honest, what do you think they really believe in their heart?” I’ve heard the same answer over and over again from both men and women. Deep in heart of people is the longing, the desire for someone to treat them in that way. “I wish someone would love me like that…”

As followers of Christ, we interact with culture in many good ways! Yet, there are some ways when we will look strange, bizarre, like we are completely out of step with the majority of people. It’s because the gospel flips or inverts the values of the world and stands them on their head. Practicing the virtue of chastity prior to marriage, I think, will be one of the most defining ways that we will look strange to others. Is this hard? Of course. Yet, it’s one of the best ways we can model the self-giving love found in the gospel.

Making New Years Resolutions that Stick

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new-years-resolutionAs the “old” year fades into the rearview mirror and a whole new year approaches, it’s time to think about “resolutions’! The practice of making resolutions is actually quite old. The Babylonians celebrated their new year in the spring but with it came with a new resolve to return borrowed items and pay any nagging debts owed to others. The Romans began each calendar year with promises made to Janus, the god of beginnings (hence, our word January). When the Jews observed Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement), it came with sorrow over sin and seeking forgiveness as well as an extension of forgiveness to others – a chance to start afresh!

When we make resolutions we are following a pattern in history as the ancients saw the new year as a prime opportunity to newly resolve. For many of us, the idea of making resolutions is actually impractical because it’s something we’ve tried, only to lapse into the same old patterns again. There’s a bit of resignation that change in life is harder to bring about and so we throw our hands up thinking, “What’s the point?” Yet, there’s something that nags at us when we think about remaining the same kind of person that we have been and continue to be. If a person is thinking clearly they realize that growing in certain areas is simply what people do and to remain the same is to get stuck in vices, those habits of the heart that do not lead to doing well in life. Simply put, only living things grow.

So where do we start in making spiritual resolutions that stick and actually have some “gravity” in our lives? Here are a few suggestions…

Be prayerfully reflective. One doesn’t need to carry out Jonathan Edwards’s 70 resolutions with ferocity (although reading them and allowing the Spirit to grip your heart would be a fun experiment). Probably what we wrestle with is not so much describing the eternal life that Jesus said He came to bring. Our problems begin when it comes to our intention to carry it out. The place then to start would be to prayerfully ask the Lord what kind of regimen (a specific plan of action) He would like for you to take on. Often when we get to resolutions they are knee jerk reactions without much thought or prayer. While we might initially have the desire to change is our desire rooted in prayerful dependence on the Lord? Is this something He wants or something that we nervously think we should do because it would make you look good in front of others or make you a “nice, good Christian”? Are we willing to pay some “price” in terms of the rigor involved and the sacrifice of convenience?

Take baby steps toward something bigger. Along with being prayerfully reflective, our good intentions often hit snags because what we are attempting is unrealistic. We often try to do too much in too little a time. I know someone who jumped into reading Gregory of Nyssa’s The Life of Moses based on a time a referenced him. I thought… whoa, just jump into the deep end! But that’s not most everyone else. Most people need to get “warmed up a bit” to new practices and even developing character. Think about it like this… if you want to become a cheerful giver you would not start by giving away 20% of your income if you are not in the habit of giving as a spiritual practice. Begin with a small step in the right direction which for some is to simply give something. Let that sink into your heart and how it connects with the gospel. Take counsel with yourself and explore why it’s so hard for you to give. Keep practicing that basic regimen until it’s time to step it up a notch until you can gie 20% away joyfully. Real growth takes time!

Keep the time table shorter. Think about resolutions in terms of quarters rather than the whole year. Maybe you can break down a larger goal into smaller bite sized chunks that are much easier to digest and can keep the motivation level up. For instance, if you want to read through the Bible in a year use Jeffrey Perkins’ A M’Cheyne Devotional which breaks up the famous Scottish preacher Robert Murray M’Cheyne’s reading into four quarters by providing not only Scripture to read but a daily devotional.

Who can you do this with? My wife just ran her first 5K in Chicago (I was totally proud of her)! It’s a goal she wanted to accomplish so she fully intended to do it and the motivation was there. But what she needed was someone to run alongside of her to encourage her (and sometimes push her) along the way. When you resolve to enter into a new regimen THINK COMMUNITY! Biblically, this idea of running alongside each other is prevalent because the Christian faith is not just “me and Jesus.” Think about the fact that the process of sanctification always finds a greater fullness when it’s done together with God’s people. Find another person who can jump into the same thing with you, not just for accountability but for encouragement along the way.

Depend on the Holy Spirit. All personal change is rooted in God, the Holy Spirit, changing the desires and affections of your heart. Jesus becomes more real to you in many ways and because of this, while change seems hard, it’s readily embraced. While the discussion of the Holy Spirit can be lengthy and surrounded by questions and mystery, it’s clear that whatever growth is happening in your life is because you consent to and partner with His work in you. While you might not understand fully who He is, put yourself under His care, His empowerment, and sustaining grace to move forward.

Much more could be said about resolutions for the new year but here’s one last thought. Thomas à Kempis in The Imitation of Christ wrote that it’s much more effective in sanctification to pay attention to one vice over the course of a year. He suggests we take a axe to the root of that one vice and by doing so by the end of our life we would end up much closer to Christ. I think there’s something to à Kempis’ words. Better to pay attention to one thing for an extended time (maybe not a year) rather than trying to make all sorts of applications based on all the Christian content we are exposed to daily while very little of it actually ends up sticking.

So rather than approaching them negatively or cynically, I would suggest that resolutions are personal markers that allow us to formally present ourselves to God for the upcoming year. Here’s to God’s people thinking, acting, and feeling more like our Savior in 2016!